It’s My Deal

I am an excellent poker player. If I had to be more specific, my guess would be that I’m in the top 99.99 percentile in the world. That’s a fancy statistic if you’re talking about SATs or something like archery, but when it comes to poker, that can create an enormous problem. With somewhere in the neighborhood of one hundred and thirty-five million people across the planet who play the game, a little eighth-grade math will tell you that there are about one hundred and thirty-five thousand people shuffling cards at this very moment who are better than me.

A bigger problem is that three or four of those individuals are usually seated at my card table on any given night. My home club - where I have spent around three thousand hours playing over the past three years - is in the heart of New York City, where poker is technically illegal. That’s kind of a sexy fact if you are one of those people who likes life a little dirty (which I do), but it also means that every individual in my club is the genuine article. There is no tourist/insurance salesman who just got lucky at the craps table wandering into my game like in Vegas or Atlantic City. We’ve got no sheep who bet into your flush with a straight thinking their hand is the winner.

At those tables, I’m a huge favorite to win. Almost any semi-conscious human being is. An average casino game of Texas Hold’em poker is played with nine or ten people. If you’re in a $500 buy-in game, and you’ve got two sheep at the table, that’s $1000 for the other six or seven of us to chop up. I just made 22% on my money and I haven’t even started to play. God bless America. But that’s why my home club is so tough, no sheep.

So why play there? There was a big-time wild-west gambler named “Canada Bill” Jones. Asked once why he voluntarily played in a small town game he knew to be crooked, Bill replied: “Because it’s the only game in town”. There’s your answer.

The club is basically a low-rent, glorified basement. On any given night you can find a hundred strippers, chiropractors, tax attorneys and cab drivers huddled around fifteen tables, stacking chips, shuffling cards and watching sports. Some people even find time to eat their dinner there. That’s the worst part. Grown men shoveling forkfuls of food into their mouths at a panicked pace, trying not to miss a hand. Three burritos in four minutes can’t be good for the digestion.

A typical night at my club is unlike a typical night anywhere else. These people are true originals. As the old adage goes: The only thing stranger than a poker player is the person sitting next to him.

“Jesus Christ, Morty! Deal the cards.” Amy has no patience at a poker table. She is a beautiful, petite, Filipino woman in her early forties who has a metabolism that could power the Vegas strip for two weeks straight. She’s always moving, always doing something, talking, smoking, shuffling, and when she does sit still, she has a look in her eyes like she’s going to combust at any moment. “Deal or I’ll cut your balls off!” Like I said, she’s got no patience.

Morty on the other hand, has all the time in the world. Slow by nature, he goes through moments of total disorientation and detachment, as if the minute dust particle floating by his face has taken complete control of his consciousness. These episodes could last forever if it were not for the caring attention his fellow card players pay to him. From under the table comes a noise that sounds suspiciously like a switchblade knife opening. Amy leans towards Morty, her hands out of sight, and says very slowly and deliberately into his ear: “Get the cards in the air old man.” Morty’s back from the ethereal plane now. He deals.

Everybody thinks Morty - a garmento from the lower east side of Manhattan in his late fifties - is losing his mind. In poker, when you “put” somebody on a hand, that means you’re making an assumption about what they are holding. “I put that guy on two pair,” means that’s what you think he’s got. Most people at the club put Morty on the early stages of Alzheimer’s.

But I know what’s really going on with him. Covered head to toe in silver American Indian jewelry, always well tanned from a week in Jamaica, Morty should be bronzed in the Natural History Museum as the last living, semi-functional hippie. My read . . . I put him on burn-out. When that tiny dust particle carries him off into his private little world, he’s not trying to remember his girlfriend’s name, or where he was born, he’s back at Woodstock contemplating whether one or two hits of LSD is necessary to get him off just right for the upcoming Santana set. And remember this: Morty is a good card player. He wouldn’t be at the club if he wasn’t. So most of the time, when he’s daydreaming, he’s doing it to piss everybody else off. Poker players play much worse when they’re pissed. It’s called being on “tilt.” And Morty can tilt anybody. That’s his gift.

He finally gets the cards in the air. We’re playing no-limit Texas Hold’em. It’s the perfect gambling game. Each player (there can be up to ten at a time) is dealt two cards down, called “pocket cards.” On the strength of them alone the participants have to decide whether or not to play in that hand. Then five community cards are placed in the center of the table. They are shared by everybody. And from those seven cards (your two pocket cards plus the five on the board), a player makes their best five card hand. The up cards are revealed in the following pattern: the first three at once (known as the “flop”), then the fourth alone (called the “turn” card), and then the last (the “river” card). There are betting opportunities between each round.

Most poker games have designed betting structures. A regular home game will usually have a maximum bet and a ceiling on the number of raises allowed (e.g. $3 max bet, with three raises). Casino games operate under similar rules, but they will usually have two levels of betting. In a $10-$20 game of Hold’em, those are the only amounts you are allowed to wager. The first two rounds of betting will be in increments of the smaller denomination, and the last two will be the larger. It doesn’t allow for much in the way of creativity.

Some people find that regimented betting structure stifling, and prefer to play a version of the game without betting restrictions; no-limit. It grants total betting freedom. No guides, no restraints, you like your cards, you’re welcome to bet every penny in front of you on them at any time. You can go from hero to zero in one hand. People say that limit Hold’em is a science while no-limit is a true art.

In a game of Texas Hold’em, so many of the cards are shared by all the

players, that the winning hand is often decided by the narrowest margin. For example, if one player holds as his pocket cards, while another plays , and the board ends up looking like , then the best hand the winner can make from his seven cards is two pairs - kings and fours - with a jack as his fifth card (known as a “kicker”). The loser also makes kings and fours, except his kicker would be a ten. Almost identical hands, the only difference being the smallest difference in the kicker, and that costs the loser the pot.

The use of community cards and the lack of betting restrictions is why no-limit Hold’em is considered the ultimate poker game. Therefore, it’s the only game played in the main event of the World Series of Poker. Legendary gambler Johnny Moss once said, “Chess is to checkers what Hold’em is to draw or stud.” It is that elaborate.

Hold’em is known in some circles as seven-card-crack, and for good reason. Taking about two minutes to finish a game, hands come rapid fire, one after another, endlessly providing players with an immediate way to recoup their losses or double-up their winnings. And in Hold’em, unlike stud, there’s no need to memorize the board or what cards got burned. That’s the beauty, every hand is right in front of you to see, and since the primary components of the hand - the five up-cards on the table - are shared by everybody, the rank of the winning hand will always vary. If there are not three of one suit on the board, there is no way to make a five card flush. If there is no pair face-up, then a full house or four of a kind (“quads”) are impossible. That’s why the game is so seductive. Every time the cards are dealt, the best hand (“the nuts”) always changes.

Like any other esoteric subculture, the world of poker has it’s own lexicon. Most of the time no one seems to be able to track the origin of the terminology we use. Some colloquialisms are obvious; a San Francisco Busboy describes a starting hand in Texas Hold’em of a queen and a three. A queen with a trey . . . get it? A San Francisco Busboy, obviously. Others terms are more obscure, almost historic even. On August 2^nd, 1876 a cattle-herder named Jack McCall walked into a saloon in Deadwood, a small town in the Dakota territory, and shot the legendary Wild Bill Hickok in the back of the head. Hickok died instantly. His body fell forward, still holding his poker hand of two pairs - Aces and Eights - which has been known as “The Dead Man’s Hand” ever since. I have no idea where “the nuts” came from.

Figuring out what the best possible hand in any given game is pretty easy. If the board looks like: , then the nuts is a queen high straight (having a jack-queen as your pocket cards). But with community cards like: , there is one way to make a straight, nine different kinds of flushes, five different possible ranks of full-houses, and even two different ways to make quads. And that’s not even the nuts. You’d only have the highest hand possible if you held the , making royal straight flush. The power of any hand is totally dependent on what the nuts are for that specific game.

With Morty’s deal complete, the game can finally get underway. We’re playing short handed at the moment, which means that at a table meant for ten players, we’ve only got six. This changes the game some. With fewer participants, the value of lesser hands increases. At a short table you can play more hands, play them more aggressively, and bluff your way to more wins. I much prefer a short handed game as it allows for more creativity. At this table, I’m sort of in the upper-middle class in the poker hierarchy. One person is definitely better than me, two are about the same, and two are a little worse. This means if I play my “A game” and get decent cards, I should go home with about an extra grand in my pocket.

The heavyweight at the table is Wilson Terry, a forty-three year old bond trader from Guyana. He spends six nights a week at the card house. This could cause a problem in some marriages, but not his, because his wife is always at the table too. Wilson’s game is sublime, almost artistic. His eyes are constantly flipping between the cards and the people at the table. He does this because most players have “a tell,” some subconscious twitch or unnatural move that gives away what cards they are holding. And there are a million of them.

I had a tell when I first started playing regularly in graduate school. When I’d bluff or call somebody when my hand wasn’t so strong, I’d subconsciously use small denominations to bet with. I’d make a ten dollar wager using five two dollar chips. I would only reach for the ten dollar marker when I had a huge hand. Even though that game was filled with burn-outs and dope-fiends, it didn’t take them long to figure out when I was bluffing or when I had the nuts. A few months after I left graduate school (please note that I said “left” grad school and not “graduated”), somebody from that game sent me an anonymous letter informing me of my twitch. I guess that guy liked me enough to want to save me from a lifetime of giving away my hand, but not enough to have told me while we were still playing together and take money out of his own pocket. Wilson Terry knows every tell in the book.

Dr. Liam Kelly is one of the guys at the table with skills on par with mine. A New York shrink, born in Ireland, Liam has read more about poker than any person alive. He loves the game. Loves to play it, talk about it, think about it. He told me that he dreams more about poker than he does about sex. I always imagine some patient of his lying on his couch, bawling about their busted marriage, and Liam saying something like, “Yeah, yeah, cry me a river, I had pocket aces snapped three times last night.” The word is that he’s a great shrink, and he plays like it. Liam is what card players refer to as a rock . . . somebody who plays flawlessly, by the book, always making the proper decision. His only problem is that he hates losing. I mean really hates it. After a bad beat he gets all steamed up and tilts easily. That’s what brings him down to my skill level.

I’ve just been dealt my down cards: (a pair of threes, for some reason, are called “crabs”). Not a great hand, but because the table is so short, I decide to play aggressively. I raise $30. Liam takes a break from eating his dinner to check his cards and then matches my bet. Wilson’s dealing; he’s the only other caller.

The flop comes: . This gives me two pair, jacks and threes, but it’s really not the best flop for my crabs, so I check. Liam looks at his cards again and then bets $50. Wilson folds and I do the same. As Dr. Liam is sweeping in the chips Wilson decides to show the hand he just folded: . His two pocket cards, when combined with the flop cards, gave him three jacks. A very big hand. Everybody at the table is shocked by his fold. “Man, you flopped trips, that’s a tremendous fold,” Dr. Liam says.

“Jesus, I would have bet my G-string on those cards,” Amy adds.

Wilson nods, “Any man taking time off from eating a steak and then bets into me, has got to have me beat. I put you on queen-jack.” Dr. Liam thinks for a second then exposes his cards: . He had trip jacks with a better kicker than Wilson. The only way Wilson could have won the hand is if the turn or river cards were one of the three remaining tens in the deck, giving him a full house. Liam was about a 7 to 1 favorite after the flop. Usually a great night is not decided by how many big pots you win, but how many you don’t lose. Wilson just avoided a brutal beating. “I give lessons on Tuesdays,” Wilson says smiling. He always says that. I keep my pocket threes to myself.

After about an hour Joey Millman joins our game. This is not a good development. Joey is a monster, one of the best players I have ever seen. It’s like my cards are transparent to him. I think about leaving the game. I’m up about $100, but it’s still early and, well, this is the only game in town.

Hands come and go with no real impact on my bankroll until I deal myself the . It’s not a premium hand, but since we are playing no-limit, medium sized suited-connectors can pay off big if you hit your hand. As the dealer, I have a huge advantage because I get to see all the action before deciding whether or not to play. The betting starts to my left and continues clockwise until it gets to me. Sometimes, position is everything, almost more important than your cards.

Four people match Morty’s twenty dollar bet. Having a lot of callers makes my hand more enticing because there is more money in the pot, so I decide to join the fun. The flop comes: . This is an encouraging turn of events for me. I have four of the five clubs I need for a flush (known as a “toilet flush,” if my fifth club doesn’t show), and also four of the five cards I need for a straight.

Morty opens the betting with $30. Dr. Liam raises the bet to $100. Amy folds, and then Joey Millman thinks for a second and calls the $100 cold. Now I have to try to figure out what the hell is going on. The best thing anybody could have at the moment is three of a kind (a “set”). I’m pretty sure that no one has a set of kings because the betting was too light before the flop for somebody to have “cowboys” as their pocket cards. But still, somebody might have a set of sixes or sevens. It could be Morty, maybe Dr. Liam, Joe’s cold call tells me that he’s probably got a king with a nice kicker. If he was on a bigger flush draw than mine - if he were holding let’s say - he would have tried to end the hand right there with a huge raise. So I put him on the pair of kings and go about trying to figure out what the rest of the table is holding.

Dr. Liam is too tight to bet an incomplete hand like a flush draw so hard after the flop, so I’ve got to put him on a made hand like a pair of kings or a set. But even in the worst scenario, Dr. Liam having three sevens let’s say, with two cards to come, I still have two chances at fourteen cards that will make me a winner (those possible winning cards are called “outs,”). Another club would give me a flush (although the six of clubs could give somebody a full house or quads, so I don’t consider that card helpful). That’s eight outs. And combining my 8 and 9 with the 6 and 7 on the flop, I also have an open ended straight draw. So any 5 or 10 gives me a straight. That’s an additional six cards that will make me a winner (I am not counting the 5 or 10 of clubs as I have already included them in my flush calculations). Add that up and you get 14 outs. As long as the board doesn’t pair, and nobody is on a larger flush draw than me, I’ve got to be the favorite. I think about making a huge raise, but since Liam, Joey, and Morty are all acting like they have strong hands, I could be in all sorts of trouble, so I just call. Morty decides that the $70 raise is too much for him and folds. Maybe he had an Ace-ten or a small pocket pair - regardless he’s done.

The turn card is the five of diamonds making the board look like:

. Add my eight and nine to the five, six, seven and you can see that I make my straight. Now I know there’s a God. And beyond that, I know he loves me. I’ve got the highest hand possible, the nuts; I am unbeatable. The only thing I have to think about now is how to make the most money from this divine gift.

Liam chooses not to bet and so does Joey. It seems strange to me to have both of them check after so much action, especially since the turn card seemed so innocuous. So I conclude that Liam is slow-playing his three of a kind, sandbagging or setting a trap, to induce a bet so the he can raise me. I suspect that Joey smelled Dr. Liam’s check-raise coming, and therefore did not want to bet his hand for him. Thing is, I want Liam to check-raise, I’ve got the nuts. So I make a tiny little bet in the hopes it looks like I’m trying to steal the hand. I do my best to seem nervous as I throw fifty bucks into the pot. Liam just calls, and so does Joey. Nobody came over the top of my bet with a raise. In short, I got greedy and missed a huge opportunity to end the hand right there.

I deal the river card. It’s the jack of clubs. The complete board looks like:

. That’s a scare card for the whole table. With three clubs now showing, a flush looks very possible, and I’ve got one, just not ace-high. Also, before the river, for somebody to have two pair, they would have had to play some awkward hand like a king-six, which is very unlikely considering the early betting . But now that there is a jack on board, two pair becomes likely because king-jack is a very playable hand. This is important because before the river was dealt, a person with king-queen as their pocket cards was beating somebody who played king-jack. But now, that king-jack just turned into two pair, king-queen looks a lot less sexy. Liam knows that, and that’s why he shakes his head as he checks. If he had a set, he would have check-raised the turn, so now I know he’s got king-queen.

Joey smiles and asks the only question I don’t want to hear, “What do you have in front of you, Andy?”

I count down my stack. “About a grand,” I say.

Joey looks at his chips. “I’ve got two kittens.” He pushes all his chips into the pot. “Okay, I tap. Two thousand to you.”

“Tap,” of course, means he’s betting everything.

Within two milliseconds of completing his sentence, I can feel tiny beads of sweat forming all over my body. Three minutes ago I was the very picture of elegance - Bond at the baccarat table in Monte Carlo - and now, now I’m the sweaty guy on the subway you don’t want to sit next to.

In the early days of poker, players could be bet out of a hand if a wager exceeded the amount of money they had on the table. If there was a ten thousand dollar bet to them and the person only had five hundred dollars, he would either have to fold, secure a loan at the table, or put up some collateral like his children’s life insurance policy. But now we’ve evolved into gentleman gamblers. We play “table stakes,” meaning that a player is only obligated to bet what he has on the table. It’s called going all-in. So even though Joey bet two grand, I’m only liable for the thousand I have in front of me. If Dr. Liam were to call, since he had enough money to cover Joey’s bet, he would have to call the whole two thousand to stay in the hand. A “side-pot” of two thousand dollars would be created (one grand of Joey’s and one grand of Liam’s) for them to compete for. That way, if I ended up with the best hand, I am only eligible to win the main pot. Joey and Liam would then show their cards, and the better hand between the two of them would win the side pot, regardless of what cards I had. It doesn’t really matter either way as that sum represents every penny I have.

So what the hell do I do now? The last card improved my hand in the sense that I went from a straight to a flush, but I no longer have the nuts. That’s now ace-anything of clubs. Was Joey on the nut flush draw after all? Or did he just make two pair and thinks that’s good enough to win? I can’t tell. I know Liam is done, but that doesn’t help me. The only thing I do know is that Joey knows he scares the shit out of me. So is he trying to bully me out of the money - my money? Or does he know that I’m going to think that and he’s trying to make me call with a loser?

Suddenly I get this free-fall feeling in my stomach. I look around the room. Joe nods because he thinks I’m looking for information, trying to see if some other player’s reaction will give away what cards they had folded. I, of course, am not that savvy and am just surveying the terrain for the best place to puke if it comes to that. I ask for time. That buys me about thirty seconds to think about the situation. For the love of God, I should have tapped on the turn. What a colossal blunder I just made.

Joey is a relatively handsome man. His huge barrel chest, bushy pork-chop sideburns, and penchant for wearing a black knit ski hat, give him sort of an anonymous long-shoreman kind of look. He has not yet been afflicted with any of the classic poker-playing deformities - the gray smokers complexion, huge fleshy beer-belly and backside, or the grim-black-eye-like rings forming around the eyes - the things that come from sitting in the same place for a month straight.

I’m staring at him in the hopes that his expression might give something away, when suddenly a look of sincere empathy comes across his face. “You should have tapped on the turn, huh? I used to make that mistake all the time when I just started playing.”

What he’s doing now is called “coffee-housing.” Playing all Hollywood, trying to talk me into a move. I just don’t know which way he’s pushing me.

“You know why the American Indian rain dance works, Andy? It works because they don’t stop dancing till it rains.”

What the hell did that mean?

“You keep dancing, you’ll catch me one day,” he says smiling.

Right. Now I want my mommy. If I fold and he shows me king-jack, I’m going to cry. If I call and he shows me the ace-four of clubs . . . I’m really going to cry.

How did I get myself into this? I’m not wondering so much about the specific situation, greed and stupidity got me here, I know that. I’m contemplating the bigger picture, as in how the hell am I sitting in a basement with these freaks about to throw away a months wages as a freelance journalist, looking for a place to throw-up. And then it hits me like a code-breaker working on an encryption who was just handed the primer; I’m one of them. I’m the fifth idiot out of the thirty who pour out of the clown car at the circus. I belong here. And beyond that, the wave of nausea that just crested and crashed on top of my head, is honestly charging me up. This is absolutely the best I’ve felt all day.

The dilemma that I am facing now, and all the absurd thoughts and sensations that accompany it, are why an estimated fifty-five million Americans cram into smoke filled basements and garages to play poker. And specifically, it’s what makes no-limit Texas Hold’em the game of all games.

With only a few seconds left to make my decision, my mind wanders to the man most responsible for my presence at that table. No, not my father, though I do give him the biological credit, but one of my graduate mathematics professors at Wesleyan University. One day while discussing probability theory he asked if I ever played poker. I laughed and nodded. The kind Doctor taught me many things, but none was more important than the driving directions from Middletown, Connecticut to the Foxwoods Casino near New London where I cut my teeth as a poker player under his tutelage.

Once, we spent an entire afternoon trying to create a formula to predict the outcome of certain poker situations, in the hopes of constructing an aid to help players decide whether or not to call certain bets. After one of the most beautiful and elegant mathematical explanations ever, he leaned over and said, “And if you’re ever truly on the fence, if you’ve contemplated every bit of evidence and mathematical information, and still you have no idea what to do, you should call.”

“Why is that I asked.”

“Because it’s more fun that way.”

My time has come with Joey Millman. I push all my chips into the center of the table. “I call.”

Joey smiles.